This time, last year;

so, y’know this is a really weird season in my life.

i’ve always been outgoing. i’ve never had a problem talking to or introducing myself to complete strangers, or holding a conversation with anyone. i talked a lot, always had a lot to say, and an opinion for everything. i never ran out of words or topics or silly, crazy things to do. i was all smiles, chuckles and silly stories.

i’m not really like that anymore. well, i am, but it’s severely rare. i’ve always been a very contemplative, reflective person, i think nonstop. the difference lies in that i used to share almost every thought with at least one other person. now, i share maybe [on a good day] one out of every 10 thoughts. i would like to think that is, at least a little bit, maturity. but i’m more inclined to think that it is out of fear, or a sudden lack of confidence. i’ve never seen why it is that every thing a person does in a day shouldn’t be important. i absolutely adore hearing people talk about their lives. generally, i like to know just about everything about you. i’m very nosy. one on one, i think i’m still pretty chatty, but even then i just seem to freeze up now. i’m not used to solace, or silence especially in the company of friends. this is weird for me, y’know? not that i’ve never sat in companionable silence with another before, because when i did that, i would usually ask, “what are you thinking about?” &y’know? i love that question. i love getting it, i love asking it. God designed us to be thinking beings, and most of our thoughts, i like to assume are worth sharing. in this season of my life, however, i am learning how to be content without constant companionship. i am not talking romantically. i used to have no idea how to handle myself when everyone left. i NEEDED to be in a social environment CONSTANTLY. i placed way too much importance on being surrounded by friends, that i left no time for myself to breathe or seek God. sure, i prayed, read sometimes and went to church but 87% of my time was spent WITH people, sometimes fellowshipping, sometimes not. the other 13% i was asleep.

i get butterflies in my tummy anytime that i speak up in a “group” of 2 or more people. THAT is weird. i’m nervous to say what’s on my mind or in my heart. it’s irrational and it’s not who i am, it’s not who i think God wants me to be. i do see wisdom in my silence, but only within balance. i think it is wise to sit back to listen and observe. i think it is selfish, petty, rude, and insecure to simply never participate. i sincerely enjoy being in good company and having good conversations, and truly i am no more an awkward person than anyone else; when i am constantly going inside of myself, spacing out and thinking of other things, but not sharing my thoughts, that’s not right. i think i need a light shove to get back into the swing of things, but i want to stay balanced. i don’t want to dominate and subject everyone to my witless banter for hours on end, but i don’t want to sit back and become a shriveling wallflower, either. i’ve learned so much in my silence, and i want to continue in it with the LORD’s blessing.

“Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.” [1 peter 3:3-4]

i want a gentle and quiet spirit.

so, my goal is to first- LISTEN, to then THINK, and after CAREFUL consideration, to SPEAK, weighing my words as if they are my last. i pray that my speech is edifying in every way, that my friends and family and new acquaintances and all who hear me are encouraged and uplifted by the words of my mouth, and that i will have wisdom and discernment in all that i say. i pray for confidence that my thoughts do matter enough to articulate to others. in addition, i pray that i would know when to quit, and how to condense my thoughts into fewer words, conveying the same meaning, not, however to the point of rudeness or abruptness. (very unlike what i do on here, babbling for paragraphs upon paragraphs, taking solace in the fact that no one is forced to read this.)

that being said, today i learned a lot. i gained some good perspective and i am going into tomorrow with a higher calling. i want to live my life for God, and i want to live it fully. Amen?

-Me, April 2011

Praise the Lord for seasons!


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