I wonder the things I used to wonder, the things I used to know, to ponder… I wonder where my originality and opinions have run off to; I wonder if they had ever been there at all. I suppose I could’ve always lived as boring, dull, uneducated and unskilled as I am; however, I propose that that would be a horrific waste of a perfectly potential existence.
I have lived a life so altruistic in recent years that I have all but entirely forgotten to be occupied with self, my desires, ambitions, intellect and reasons. I have observed and perceived myself to be asphyxiating underneath my totally self-imposed lack of personality. My identity has been crowded back behind the ideals of others. I have not tended to that which is mine in a manner worthy to be praised of any faithful stewardess; on the contrary, I have all except abandoned the expansion of my person into anything begging the title, “Precious” or “Desirable.” In my decent to inexorable altruism I learned to comply to every whim of authority, quelling even the narrowest question from escaping my lips. I was extensively robotic and mechanical in my outward being. The reciprocation of this became a querulous inward prurience for an evident intrinsic value of my self, which heretofore had been all but lost by my contemptible self-view.
Anfractuous as my associated train of thought may be, one thing have I longed for with such unwavering purpose and firmness of mind is the resolute dependability of a quixotic personality. I cogitate as to what may be a sagacious solution to my current quandary. I can only say that to be titled “rashly unpredictable” or “unrealistically optimistic,” which is in some degree to be labelled a vaguely quixotic human being, would be such a welcomed and honourable impasse it would leave me with an unalterable happy acceptance of my undoubtedly accidental achievement.
I digress to say that I am now living for two people, God and myself. I will give my utmost to His calling of love and service, but I will no longer overlook the stewardship He has bestowed upon me. To count myself worthy, precious and specially designed to be always expanding, flourishing, never stationary in my God-given existence. I aspire to be the woman He desires me to be, and no less.
-Me, October 28, 2011